When I found out that I was going to be mother, I made a list. You know which one I’m talking about. It’s the list of things that you vow you’re going to do as a parent. This list is probably full of things that your own parents didn’t do (or neglected to do) for you growing up. There may be things on this list that you want to do because it would make you hip, together, and “with it”.
You may tell yourself that:
- My child won’t watch television until he’s five.
- You will make all his food (organic of course!) because it’s healthier.
- Your home won’t fall into disrepair because you will be mega-organized and stay on top of all household chores.
- You will always go for walks with your child and maintain a healthy lifestyle in order to lose all that preggo weight.
- You will always read to your child, play games, and do all of the activities that are necessary in enabling him to reach those milestones early.
- Your child will be super-stylish and wear only organic clothing made from sustainable resources.
- Your child will never eat fast-food.
You have made a list of LIES.
Once that bugger pops out, you will find out very quickly that you will be too tired to make all that baby food, clean the house, go for walks, and play those educational games. Hell, you will be lucky if you get to shower.
Some days your child wears nothing but a diaper because you didn’t do laundry. Some of those dust bunnies have now become pieces of furniture. You don’t even use a wash cloth or Kleenex to wipe a snotty nose. If your cashmere scarf is closest, you’re using it.
Pre-child, you were very quick to judge those parents who brought their kids into fast food restaurants.
Look at that! Doesn’t she know how unhealthy French fries are? Her kids are going to end up being fat, unproductive slobs.
Post-child, you now know that bribery is everything and some sacrifices have to be made in order to get five minutes of peace. Otherwise, your family just may end up in the news the next day and not for the right reasons.
I care about you because the law requires me to.
Louis C.K. is a comedian I’ve seen on HBO. He is profane and politically incorrect most of the time. However, his take on parenting does make me laugh simply because it’s half true and yet wrong on so many levels. Please don’t watch the clip if you’re uptight or can’t handle cursing. If you’re offended, you’re probably not a parent.