1) YOU STILL LOOK PREGNANT
If you know an expectant mother, please don’t tell her, “Don’t worry. You’ll get your body back in no time.”. LIES, LIES, LIES!!!! Think about it. The uterus is usually the size of a grapefruit. It took nine months for it to get large enough to house a 20 lb. watermelon. It is NOT going back to its normal size anytime soon. It’s too depressing really.
2) CAFFEINE IS YOUR FRIEND
Your little bundle of joy has to eat EVERY TWO HOURS. That’s right, all the frickin’ time. That’s why fathers should be required to get mammary gland implants. It’s only fair.
3) I HATE MY BOOBS
I can admit it. I have always had breast envy. Despite knowing my jugs will never hang to my knees in 30 years time, I’ve always wanted bigger. So it was great when I became preggers. BOOBIES! Then my milk came in. Oh. My. God. You would think going to 36D (I know!) would be great. But, no. They’re painful, inflamed, and go up to my neck. I look like a porn star. Great to look at but hell to cart around. My husband knows that if he thinks about manhandling them, he gets bamboo strips shoved under his eyelids.
4) TWO WEEK PERIOD
I am not going into detail on this one. It’s called “lochia”. Look it up. Basically, your body is still leaking stuff. Overnight maxi pads are my new best friend.
5) YOU GET STUFF ON YOU
Babies can’t control themselves. Despite your best efforts, you will get poo, piss, and vomit on you. Caden has given me two golden showers already. Kinky little perv! I wonder where he gets it….
6) I CAN’T STOP STARING
This is actually a good thing. You will find yourself just staring in wonder at this little person you created. At the risk of sounding like a Hallmark card, it really is a miracle. The blood, sweat, and tears make it all worth it.
So far, so good. If only the snow would stop so I can go shopping!